i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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