but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
