Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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