It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
