My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
