I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
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i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i've created a new STD.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
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Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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