**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize