Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
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Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
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I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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