I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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