Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
