worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
