After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
