After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
