thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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