This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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