We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
