If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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