WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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