The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just cut my nipple shaving
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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