I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Duck Duck Cougar?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
