How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
