I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
