Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm passing your future prison.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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