Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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