I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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