i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
