I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
