If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He shit in the fireplace
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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