I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
