Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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