Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
