At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
