Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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