thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
