If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
