were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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