I can't watch pbs sober anymore
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
