Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
