my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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