Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Two words: nipple clamps
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