I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
