just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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