Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
