it was like his penis was on wheels.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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