She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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