I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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