life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
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We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
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Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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