Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
