I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
