Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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