Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
