when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
