I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
