When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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